Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You dont lie about slip and slides
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
