Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
