Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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