I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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