Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
