I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
