I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
