The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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