My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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