Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
