I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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