So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
