they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
