I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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