Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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