Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
