Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
