I want to stick my p in your. b.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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