It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
