and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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