Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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