i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
