If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
