Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
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I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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