Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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