Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
birth control should be required to get into college
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
