Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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