On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
