why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
