At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
