Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
