Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
