I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
