I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
