I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
