Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
