I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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