i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I think I just sharted jello shots
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