You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
