my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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