Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize