He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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