So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
He passed out mid-signature
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
