Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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