You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
