you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
