she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
