we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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