Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i wish my penis had a tongue
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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