if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
