Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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