K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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