Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
