what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
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i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
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New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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