I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I met the friendliest cop last night
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I am available for nakedness