I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends