Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
