i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He uses pillows to masturbate.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
