He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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