Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Floor bacon is actually really good
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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