i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
